Sometimes I wonder if I am a strange person, if people might think I’m odd. Sometimes, I wonder how many other people think the way I do – and why I haven’t found them yet. Mostly, I then just shrug my shoulders and go on being me.
I go on writing blessings and prayers, even though I have no religious faith.
I go on writing poems and memoirs and other things, even though I have no inclination to make a career out of all this scribbling.
I go on living with intention and purpose, even though I know I might be wrong. About everything.
I do not believe that any of our futures are pre-ordained.
I do believe that we have choices – every second we make a decision (maybe ever so subtly) that will impact the next and the next and the next.
Do I turn left or right? Do I breathe or hold the breath? Do I dance, or sit this one out? Do I eat one more cookie, or am I really craving the sweetness of a carrot? Do I accept a random invitation, or do I retreat from it? Do I wait-up in hope of Northern Lights or a Wolf Moon, or would I rather sleep? TV or book? Cinema or theatre or restaurant? Friends or solitude? Email or letter or card or text?
When we think about making choices, we have a tendency to assume we’re talking about the Big Life Choices – about, say, university, or career, or marriage, or babies, or expeditions – but actually our real life depends much more on the everyday decisions. The small choices are the ones that matter most.
The life we choose depends on how we speak to strangers…whether we smile at people in the street…thank bus drivers and lifeguards…have two-minute conversations with shop assistants…whether we pull up a weed or wait to see what it flowers like…how quick we are to apologise for our mistakes or outbursts.
It depends on whether we notice things. Like an unexpected flower. Like a friend who is struggling, feeling emotional, and needing a hug to last a few seconds longer than normal. Like the bees that arrived late this year, but are still busy, and buzzily asking me not to cut back the salvia just yet. Like the people who show up for us, when it is not convenient for them. Like the sky. Like the sea. Like the rain reflecting beautifully on the road, just before the inconsiderate driver rushes through the puddle and douses us.
It depends upon how kind we are to ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be held and helped, when we need it. Whether we trust ourselves to say ‘no, sorry, not this time’ without feeling the need to justify it. Whether we trust ourselves to say ‘yes, please, I'd like that’, no matter how scared we are, and how willing we are to say ‘I’m really nervous about this…but yes, I will, thank you…’
Every tiny decision we make is a pebble in the vast ocean of the universe. It sends out its ripples. Way out beyond our ability to see where they get cancelled out by other ripples from other pebbles. Way out beyond the shore that might send them rippling back again.
So small that we do not give them any heed, ripples are entirely what the universe is made of. Ripples and waves. Of water, of sound, of breath, of invisible echoes from distant stars and ancient times.
We forget – or maybe were never taught – that those ripples are the essence of our lives. They are our souls speaking to the universe. We forget – or maybe were never taught – that the universe is listening.
Would we live our lives differently if we knew that? If we knew that the universe listens to every thought, every action, every word…would we even care?
Part of my irreligious strangeness is that I do.
I do know, and I do care.
I would love to say that I think, speak and act as though the universe is listening…but, you know what? I forget. I get busy. I get intolerant, or angry, or tired, or frustrated. I get excited, overjoyed, blissed-out. I live in emotion a lot of the time. And, if I’m honest, I don’t really want to change that. Less anger and more joy, definitely, but I know you can’t wipe out the negative without numbing the positive and I’m not up for that.
It might sound as though I’m simply substituting ‘the universe’ for some god-creature, but it’s not the same thing. It’s more about the sub-atomic resonance of everything. The interconnectedness. The equal and opposite reactions to actions, which I suspect may be unequal and slightly askance reactions, but consequences all the same, in all their improbability.
It’s about all the things I do not understand and so won’t even try to explain.
And it occurs to me that if I try to live my life in accordance with that, it begins to sound a lot like faith, which is a teeny bit disconcerting to be honest. It's easier to accept that I'm just a bit odd.
