So here we are, well into January. 2021 is up and running. And maybe it’s not where we would have chosen it to be. That’s ok. I am unashamedly going to say we are where we are.
I’m highlighting that phrase because I want to differentiate it from it is what it is. This latter phrase implies that “what it is” cannot be changed, whereas we are where we are simply means that this is where we have to start from, we cannot change the past but the future is still wide open.
I’m writing this one because I was recently pointed to this video Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes (thepsychologygroup.com). It is definitely worth a look, especially if you’re feeling low and beating yourself up about it because you know you’re one of the lucky ones and “have nothing to complain about”. Notice the quotation marks: they’re important!
Here’s a thing: I am one of the lucky ones and have (relatively speaking) nothing to complain about. Everyone who knows me knows that this does not stop me complaining. If they ever make it an Olympic sport, I could quite possibly whinge for England! Those who know me well know that positivity doesn’t always work for me. I still have the gremlins. I still have my melt-down moments. Some of you have seen them! Some of you were there to catch me when I fell.
The inescapable fact is that we do all have something to complain about. We’re human...and life is not a bed of roses. Even if it were, last time I looked roses have thorns and roses get bedded in manure. It can hurt. It can stink. Even when it is a bed of roses, life is not perfect.
I’m talking about this, because I think I might sometimes come across all Pollyanna, and because I think it is important to understand where I draw the line between ‘being grateful’ and ‘being positive’. I agree with Samara Quintero and Jamie Long when they say that being upbeat all the time is not a good thing. It is not an honest thing. It is not an authentic thing. And it creates a shame thing. It creates a false expectation: I am lucky therefore I should be happy.
I love that the video talks about shame and references Brené Brown, because she’s awesome and her work is really important. If I haven’t already told you to check her out, I can’t imagine why. Stop reading me, go read her. Or watch her TED talks, or listen to her podcasts.
OK, assuming you did all that and have now come back to me: thank you!
Somewhere in Brené’s work you’ll have come across the expression that “there is no empathy in any sentence that starts with ‘at least…’ SO TRUE! I would add that there is also no empathy in any sentence that includes the word should. Regardless of whether you are talking to your family, friends, co-workers, neighbours: don’t should on them. You have no idea what they ‘should’ do…and in the moment of struggle, neither do they. Empathy isn’t about solving the problem. Empathy is simply fellow feeling – not how you would react in their situation, your pain isn’t the same, but more how you would want people to react if you felt the way they do. At its basic level it is just recognising what you see: hurt, pain, struggle. See it, hear it, listen to it, acknowledge it. That’s all.
You don’t need to ‘poor you’ sympathise. You don’t need to ‘you should’ fix. You don’t need to ‘cheer up’.
In fact, it is more helpful to do none of those things.
The most beautiful and powerful thing someone said to me recently was: it’s ok, I’ve got you. That gave me permission to go into full melt-down, and interestingly stopped me from doing so. It made me smile. And the smile was as real as the tears and the snuffles that it interrupted.
Empathy is I truly see where you are. I don’t KNOW how you feel, but I can imagine. It’s ok. You are allowed to feel like that and you will find your own way through. Empathy is I’ve got your back, just do what you need to do, I’ll still be here.
All of that said: I continue to look for the good stuff and encourage others to also seek out things to be grateful for.
A lot of my work during the storm that was 2020 and continuing into this year has been around gratitude. Being grateful is one of my core values and I truly believe that each and everyone of us has hundreds if not thousands of things to be grateful for on a daily basis. In the light of the work of Brown, Quintero & Long on toxic positivity, I feel I want to explain the difference between positivity and gratitude.
Positivity is largely about perception (in its best form) and spin (in its worst). Looking on the bright side. Seeking the silver lining. The reason things happen. All of that stuff has a place in my world, but it isn’t queen of the castle. There are times when my sulky peasant has a pitchfork response to the shining smiling it’s-all-fabulous glittery glamour. I can see through it and if it doesn’t shut up, my pitchfork will be pricking a few bubbles. Life ain’t always pretty.
However, and this is the core of my belief, I think we can be grateful even when we’re feeling that life is rubbish. I think we can be grateful even when we’re really low. I have smiled through tears because I know how lucky I am. I have wept through smiles because knowing that did not really help. The two things are not mutually exclusive.
I know that for every “at least” comment there is a “yes but” response. We can always see the darkness beyond the candle flame, we can always see the cloud over the sun for all the rest of the sky is blue. That’s not perception, it’s real. And it can be the difference between a good day and a bad day. Especially if that cloud over the sun has just dumped a months’ worth of rain on your patch in 24 hours. Pretty blue skies and rainbows don’t necessarily make mopping up flood water any more pleasant.
However, I strongly believe that the reverse is also true. We can still see the rainbows and be grateful for them…not because they change our reality, but because they are part of it.
I am all about finding the good stuff. Looking for beauty. The very reasons I use words like “finding”, and “looking for”, is because I know the good stuff is often hidden in not-so-good stuff, like heartache, like depression, like trauma, like sadness, like anger, like frustration or stress or financial struggle or family issues or relationship problems or absence-of-relationship problems or whatever it might be for you.
I’m not saying the good stuff lies within those things (although I don’t know, sometimes maybe it does) I am saying that those things get in the way of us seeing it. And looking for it and finding it: finding something beautiful, finding something to be grateful for, is not about denying the crap...it is about just taking a moment to look away from the crap and say AND there is also this. Quite specifically not BUT...it’s not about I have this crap BUT there is this, therefore the crap doesn’t matter. It is about I have this crap AND there is this also this: the sun shone, dinner tasted good, I get to sleep in a warm bed, someone I like called me up, or whatever.
So next time someone tries to ‘cheer you up’ don’t be afraid to ask them to stop. Acknowledge that you know they are trying to help, but that they are failing. If they tell you to look on the bright side, reassure them that you will, but not right now. Right now you just need to get through the tough bit. If it comes to it, tell them to shut up and go away – you can apologise later.
You can wait for the immediate storm to abate before you start chasing rainbows. Just remember, if you can, that they're out there waiting for you.
